Reflections

As I looked at my reflection in the mirror the past few months I have not liked what I have seen looking back at me. What I saw was a mother with battle scars that chose to stand behind the scars and be a victim of my circumstances. A mother who was battle weary and well quite frankly angry. Angry that my life has been anything but easy. Angry that my child is getting sicker and there is nothing I can do about it. Angry that he is sick in the first place. Angry that  I cannot change things for him regarding his past. Angry that a sweet innocent 8 year old boy carries around so much hurt and anxiety. Angry that God would ask me to walk a path yet again  that is hard and painful. Angry at my husband for not reacting the same way. Angry at well everyone but mostly myself.  Notice how I came right back to me?? As I reflected the past few weeks with God that is what he revealed to me. I am selfish in my thoughts and in my actions.

 I remember talking to a dad who had lost both of his children in a car accident and he asked me if the closeness to God would go away after time. My response was only if you let it.  That is where I have been the past few months. So busy with doctors appointments and worry that I had not stopped to talk to God. Or let me be really honest had not wanted to talk to God.  The result was I put all the focus on me and had a great big old pity party!

So what do I do with that? Any moms out there know it would be really easy to let the guilt of that steal my joy. But Romans 8:1 says "there is no condemnation in those who are in Christ".  So I put on my big girl panties and look outside myself.

Yes my life has been hard but it has been so amazing as well. I am so blessed to be Josh and Jennifer's mother.  I will never regret the time I was given with them. I will continue to share them with others. I do miss them everyday and it is only a pain another mother who has a child in heaven can understand and I will not ever get over it or be done grieving them this side of heaven. I have four amazing boys. Parenting children with special needs is lonely so I am thankful that God gave me an incredible husband who has held me many nights as I cried myself to sleep. Listening even if he did not understand my rants and worries.

This month my focus in on making memories and serving my family. I am blessed to have today. So I will camp right here in today, living a life of no regrets and not taking today for granted.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving day and we are home.  This time of year is so conflicted for me. I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. It was this time of the year 12 years ago that my children and my father died in a horrible train accident  I still miss them every single day! Not one day goes by that I do not think about them. But this year is a bit different. This year we are home because we are waiting on a lung transplant.  We are waiting on a donor.........
Many of you know that Jennifer was a donor, not major organs like lungs or heart because her injuries were too severe but she donated tissue, eyes, bone, etc.  Even though she was not able to donate the major organs it still gives me great joy to know that someones quality of life may have been improved.  I would do it all over again and I would make the same decision for all of my children, myself and my husband if faced with that again. As strange as it may seem it was a gift for me to be able to do that for people I will probably never meet. 

But sitting on the other side of this is a game changer for me. I know that my prayers will not alter God will. But how do you pray for a donor when you know the terrible heartache the family is facing? I mean really know.......the deep gut wrenching grief that come with losing a child. The pain that never goes away.  The empty seats at the table. The empty hole in your heart that can never be filled. The overwhelming longing to hear their voice, smell their hair, hold their hand...

This is how I am praying for them this year. First of all Erick is stable right now, Praise God! He is home and not having to be in the hospital like many children who are awaiting transplant.  So I am praying first for the families faith and salvation. I do not know how you get through the loss of a child without believing there is a higher purpose in the pain.  I am praying that they get one more Christmas together. Losing a child during the holidays well just sucks!  And I am praying that the time they have together is a time of no regrets. That they will slow down and enjoy the holidays and time they have left together. I am praying that they have HOPE! The hardest part of all this is I know that they have no idea what they are about to face but I do. 

So today my heart is heavy for Erick's donor family will you please join me in praying for them?