November 30, 2011.
Nine years ago I was changed forever. I will never be the same as I was before loosing Joshua and Jennifer. That is not bad thing but most of the time I feel displaced not really fitting in anywhere. The friends and life I had as a single mom with two children all faded away. Some freinds stayed around but eventually they all returned to their lives with their children as it should be
.
It left single with no children which I did not really fit into that group either since I did have children just not here on earth anymore.
Then I met my wonderful husband and we were blessed with two wonderful children both under the age of four. I'm no longer in my 20's or my 30's for that matter so I really have a hard time finding common ground with mother's of preschoolers when I feel like a mother of teenagers.
Now all of this may sound crazy but this is just another reason why this journey has been so difficult.
I struggle to find my place in life.......perhaps it is because we are not made for this world. This life is only temporary...............and oh how I long for eternity.
Grays 2013
Sunday, October 9, 2011
A time to reflect
This morning it is raining, finally. We are in a drought and the rain is desperately needed here. And finally we are getting some relief. I love the rain, when I was a child I use to sit on the porch with my daddy and watch the storms roll in. Turns out that one of the most valuable things my daddy taught me was to not be afraid of the storms.
Tomorrow is Jennifer's birthday and I miss her so much. She would have been 16, hard to believe. I miss her smile and her silly banter. She challenged me more than any of my boys have. She was very much like me and sometimes that was not a good thing : ) I miss her laugh and the way that she use to talk non stop.
This time of year is especially hard for me and with each passing year it is hard for different reasons. Of course the obvious unchanging one is that I desperately miss my children and my daddy, that will never change this side of heaven. Nine years ago I would have never dreamed I would be where I am today. I did not see how life would go on. I could not see past a day much less think about years.
I love where God has me and ironically sometimes that makes me feel guilty. Now before I get a multitude of emails telling me how crazy that statement is let me assure you I know it is not rational. But grief is not rational. And grief is not something you "get over". With each passing year I learn a different facet of grief and I am blessed with the lesson it leaves me with. As long as I am still learning it means that God is still active and alive in my life.
This time of year is especially hard for me and with each passing year it is hard for different reasons. Of course the obvious unchanging one is that I desperately miss my children and my daddy, that will never change this side of heaven. Nine years ago I would have never dreamed I would be where I am today. I did not see how life would go on. I could not see past a day much less think about years.
As I reflect on the past I cannot help but be grateful for the present. God has blessed me by showing me restoration in my life. When I look at my two sweet boys and remember my three sweet babies in heaven I am reminded of how much God loves me.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
A time to listen
As many of you know we decided last year to become foster parents with the desire to foster to adopt if that was God's will. We started the process back in November 2010 and for me it has been a long difficult road, one I was not prepared for. While I have given my testimony many times over the years there are certain things that I have not felt lead to share except when God puts me in one on one relationships with other women to encourage them. Many of which all occurred before my relationship with Christ, some of my own bad choices, others I had no choice in and all of which brought shame to me. And once I understood that God, the creator of my soul, did in fact love and did in fact want a relationship with me wiped that slate clean. I had not dealt with that guilt and shame since I understood who Christ was and how much He loves me.
Until I had to write it all down on our paperwork to become licensed to foster/adopt. I realized after I had my life laid out on paper for people whom I did not know to read and decide if we would be good parents that I did not look good on paper. And in walked the enemy! I gave him the crack in the door he had been looking for for years. I have been a Christian for 18 years now so you would think that I would have seen this attack for what it was but I did not.
As we reached the final stages of our process I felt as though I had been judged my what was on paper and that I was not "good enough" to foster/adopt. I felt like the people who were looking at my paperwork were seeing all the bad in my life and making judgements based solely on that.
All the while God had a plan, a beautiful plan that I did not realize because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and for the first time this side of my relationship with Christ I was riddled with shame which in turn made me angry. I know in my heart that God covered my multitude of sin with the precious blood of Jesus but I was not feeling it.
As we were not so patiently waiting for our licensing process to be final some dear friends of ours got their first placements as foster parents. I have to be honest and say when she called me all excited I sat and hurt deeply thinking again what was wrong with me? Why did they not call me? Was I not good enough to be a foster parent? I know she heard it in my voice even though I tried to sound excited for her. I hung up the phone and cried myself to sleep. I really did want to be excited for her and her family but I was so caught up in my self pity I stole some of the joy from her and sad to say was not a good friend.
Just when I was about at rock bottom. I was sad and quickly moving into depression and quite honestly thought I was loosing it. That is when God stepped in....... I received an email from a friend whose child was friends with Joshua. She told me that her and her son had talked about Joshua and she just wanted to let me know that he was not forgotten. For those mom's out there reading this that have lost a child you know after 8 years what an incredible gift that was to me! She was afraid that she had upset me but just the opposite is true. God used her email to show me that just as he had written Joshua and Jennifer's story he was still writing mine. And just as He was still using their lives to impact others He was wanting to use my life for the same purpose. I just had to be faithful to follow his lead. It was just what I needed just when I needed it. It reminded me that I am a child of the King and that my creator loves me enough to want to use me in His beautiful story.
We went to our friends house the day they got their first placement and when we left there I knew that those children were exactly where they were suppose to be and that I had to be content where God had me even if that meant that we would not have any other children in our home.
Then came the call, we had no idea we would get because we were still waiting for the process to be finalized. We were asked my our case worker if we would consider taking a 2 month old with medical needs. The baby was still in NICU but would be released soon. Without hesitation Russell and I said yes.
Now the funny part of that story is when we first started the process I said I was not interested in fostering we just wanted to do straight adoption, no infants and no medical needs. I was selfish in my reasoning for all those and God showed me throughout the classes that I was really trying to take control of what He wanted for me. Of course I believe God has a sense of humor and gave us an infant to foster that has medical needs.
We were allowed to go up to the hospital to do feedings and bond before he came home. And the minute the nurse placed baby Isaiah in our arms I knew we were exactly where God wanted us to be. We feel in love with him even before we met him.
We were blessed enough to bring him home and while we do not know what the future holds for this little guy we know that we are blessed to be part of the story. And we will love him as our own for as long as God will allow us that honor. He is doing fabulous at home and big brother is incredibly protective of him and simply adores him.
We know that God has a plan for Isaiah 's life and we are excited that He chose us to be his parents for however long that may be.
Until I had to write it all down on our paperwork to become licensed to foster/adopt. I realized after I had my life laid out on paper for people whom I did not know to read and decide if we would be good parents that I did not look good on paper. And in walked the enemy! I gave him the crack in the door he had been looking for for years. I have been a Christian for 18 years now so you would think that I would have seen this attack for what it was but I did not.
As we reached the final stages of our process I felt as though I had been judged my what was on paper and that I was not "good enough" to foster/adopt. I felt like the people who were looking at my paperwork were seeing all the bad in my life and making judgements based solely on that.
All the while God had a plan, a beautiful plan that I did not realize because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and for the first time this side of my relationship with Christ I was riddled with shame which in turn made me angry. I know in my heart that God covered my multitude of sin with the precious blood of Jesus but I was not feeling it.
As we were not so patiently waiting for our licensing process to be final some dear friends of ours got their first placements as foster parents. I have to be honest and say when she called me all excited I sat and hurt deeply thinking again what was wrong with me? Why did they not call me? Was I not good enough to be a foster parent? I know she heard it in my voice even though I tried to sound excited for her. I hung up the phone and cried myself to sleep. I really did want to be excited for her and her family but I was so caught up in my self pity I stole some of the joy from her and sad to say was not a good friend.
Just when I was about at rock bottom. I was sad and quickly moving into depression and quite honestly thought I was loosing it. That is when God stepped in....... I received an email from a friend whose child was friends with Joshua. She told me that her and her son had talked about Joshua and she just wanted to let me know that he was not forgotten. For those mom's out there reading this that have lost a child you know after 8 years what an incredible gift that was to me! She was afraid that she had upset me but just the opposite is true. God used her email to show me that just as he had written Joshua and Jennifer's story he was still writing mine. And just as He was still using their lives to impact others He was wanting to use my life for the same purpose. I just had to be faithful to follow his lead. It was just what I needed just when I needed it. It reminded me that I am a child of the King and that my creator loves me enough to want to use me in His beautiful story.
We went to our friends house the day they got their first placement and when we left there I knew that those children were exactly where they were suppose to be and that I had to be content where God had me even if that meant that we would not have any other children in our home.
Then came the call, we had no idea we would get because we were still waiting for the process to be finalized. We were asked my our case worker if we would consider taking a 2 month old with medical needs. The baby was still in NICU but would be released soon. Without hesitation Russell and I said yes.
Now the funny part of that story is when we first started the process I said I was not interested in fostering we just wanted to do straight adoption, no infants and no medical needs. I was selfish in my reasoning for all those and God showed me throughout the classes that I was really trying to take control of what He wanted for me. Of course I believe God has a sense of humor and gave us an infant to foster that has medical needs.
We were allowed to go up to the hospital to do feedings and bond before he came home. And the minute the nurse placed baby Isaiah in our arms I knew we were exactly where God wanted us to be. We feel in love with him even before we met him.
We were blessed enough to bring him home and while we do not know what the future holds for this little guy we know that we are blessed to be part of the story. And we will love him as our own for as long as God will allow us that honor. He is doing fabulous at home and big brother is incredibly protective of him and simply adores him.
We know that God has a plan for Isaiah 's life and we are excited that He chose us to be his parents for however long that may be.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Mothers Day
The first time I held my first born and was inaugurated into the blissful society of motherhood was 17 years ago. Oh how I remember that feeling of overwhelming love and fear as they placed that sweet baby boy into my arms. I had no idea what I was suppose to do with this sweet child but somehow I knew Joshua and I would be okay. And the fear of knowing that child was dependent on me for life was overshadowed by the abundance of love that I never knew was possible. If you are a mom you understand that bundle of emotion that comes with that first born.
My second child came to me under not so normal circumstances. I was at that time for all practical purposes a single mom. My husband and I were separated and fear took on a whole new face. I had no idea how I was going to take care of two children on my own. God was good, he gave me the sweetest most content baby I have even seen. Jennifer was a joy from the moment I met her. She slept through the night at a week old and hardly ever cried. And we survived and began to get into a routine that would sustain us for many years as a single parent home.
My house was always full of noise, laughter, crying, fighting, all the business of two children. Until that fateful day in November 2002. That was the day my house fell silent. No more business, no more laughter, no more fighting, just silence. I remember those days as vividly as I remember the noise.
Again God is good. Five years after the death of Joshua and Jennifer I once again had the blessing of welcoming another child into the world. I did not realize how much I missed mothering until I was actively mothering another child. In just 9 short days my youngest child will turn 3 and as much as I love this child and as much as I am grateful for him there are days that it is just plain hard being a mom! Sometimes I fail miserably but always I have to remember the silence. When my child is throwing a fit in Barnes and Noble or Toys R Us and I loose my composure I have to stop and give thanks for the noise.
Because Lord willing my child will grow up and graduate and get married and have children of his own and once again my house will be silent. So for today I bask in the temper tantrum for the noise is far better than the silence.
Happy Mothers Day!
Friday, April 22, 2011
A time to celebrate!
The past two weeks at the Gray house has been hectic as we joined a few hundred of our friends at Central Baptist to prepare of the Easter Pageant. Russell is singing and I am toddler Jesus' handler. Yes, our son made his acting debut as toddler Jesus. His role is to stand with Mary and Joseph as the kings come. He waves and blows kisses to the kings. He is absolutely cute if I do say so myself.
It has been a great opportunity to talk to him about Jesus and the story of Easter. So as we were laying in his bed the other night and he was reviewing his day as he does every night we talked about Easter pageant practice and the Easter egg hunt he had at MDO. He was so excited about the egg hunt and talked excitedly about the treats he got. I thought I had the perfect opportunity to talk to him about the real reason we celebrate Easter. So I asked him if he knew why we celebrated Easter and he looked at me with all seriousness and said, "because Jesus is alive"! I had an elaborate explanation for my sweet child and he broke it down into three words, Jesus is alive!
It brought sweet joy into this mommas heart to hear those words so simply stated. It also made me stop and cherish those three simple words.
It has been a great opportunity to talk to him about Jesus and the story of Easter. So as we were laying in his bed the other night and he was reviewing his day as he does every night we talked about Easter pageant practice and the Easter egg hunt he had at MDO. He was so excited about the egg hunt and talked excitedly about the treats he got. I thought I had the perfect opportunity to talk to him about the real reason we celebrate Easter. So I asked him if he knew why we celebrated Easter and he looked at me with all seriousness and said, "because Jesus is alive"! I had an elaborate explanation for my sweet child and he broke it down into three words, Jesus is alive!
It brought sweet joy into this mommas heart to hear those words so simply stated. It also made me stop and cherish those three simple words.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
A time to rejoice!
Thank you all for praying for the Haven of Hope Retreat this past weekend. God answered your prayers! The mom's that came in on Friday were not the same when they left on Sunday and let me tell you that was God! Some of them mom's shared on that on Friday they did not want to be there and some even admitted to almost backing out. But on Sunday they were all glad that they came and were uplifted and renewed in spirit. God truly blessed us with His presence.
One of the greatest joys for me was to have so many mom's before the retreat want to help by providing gifts for the other mom's. We had tons of stuff to give them! It was amazing. From books to special blankets to Sentsy. It was such a blessing to see these mom's want to reach out.
Lots of prayer went into this weekend. In fact God would not let Marsha, Daisy or I sleep on Friday night so we were up praying into the wee hours of the night for the women God brought to the retreat. I think I can speak for all of us when the weekend was over we were exhausted but reassured that it made a difference for the kingdom of God.
The women who came out were precious to share their children's story with us and what a blessing it was to sit and listen.
For those of you that are reading this and have not walked this path and have children, STOP. Stop and take time to enjoy today. The messes, the arguing, the whining, the laughter, the tears, the piles of laundry, the dirty rooms, all of these things are things I missed when I Josh and Jennifer died. And today I am so grateful that I have a child that I can honestly bask in today with. When I pray with my son at night I always thank God for another day with him. Why? Because that is all I have. I don't know what tomorrow has. God does and for that I do not have to worry. I allow myself to worry about tomorrow it steals the joy of today. So hug your children a little tighter, a little longer. Thank God for all the things that irritate you about being a mom. You may not loose them to death but they will grow up and you will miss this!
One of the greatest joys for me was to have so many mom's before the retreat want to help by providing gifts for the other mom's. We had tons of stuff to give them! It was amazing. From books to special blankets to Sentsy. It was such a blessing to see these mom's want to reach out.
Lots of prayer went into this weekend. In fact God would not let Marsha, Daisy or I sleep on Friday night so we were up praying into the wee hours of the night for the women God brought to the retreat. I think I can speak for all of us when the weekend was over we were exhausted but reassured that it made a difference for the kingdom of God.
The women who came out were precious to share their children's story with us and what a blessing it was to sit and listen.
For those of you that are reading this and have not walked this path and have children, STOP. Stop and take time to enjoy today. The messes, the arguing, the whining, the laughter, the tears, the piles of laundry, the dirty rooms, all of these things are things I missed when I Josh and Jennifer died. And today I am so grateful that I have a child that I can honestly bask in today with. When I pray with my son at night I always thank God for another day with him. Why? Because that is all I have. I don't know what tomorrow has. God does and for that I do not have to worry. I allow myself to worry about tomorrow it steals the joy of today. So hug your children a little tighter, a little longer. Thank God for all the things that irritate you about being a mom. You may not loose them to death but they will grow up and you will miss this!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
A time to sleep??
Yes it is 1:00 am and I am blogging.......what am I doing up you ask? Stuff for the Haven of Hope retreat that is April 8-10th. Yes that is only a week away which is why I am up.
For those of you that are not aware Haven of Hope ministers to mother's that have suffered the loss of a child. And today I was scrolling through pictures of the children for our slide show and was overwhelmed with the unfairness of a need for such a retreat. I assure you every single one of these mom's would rather not need this retreat.
So I am sitting here shamelessly blogging at 1:00 am to ask you to join me in praying for these mom's this week. I know from experience that prayer makes all the difference.
Also please pray for Marsha, Daisy and myself as we prepare all that is needed to minister to these precious mom's. A ton of prep work needs to be done and we are almost there but this week will be hectic in finishing up all the details.
After the 10th I will fill you in on how God answered your prayers and share with you our next project, Easter Pageant at Central with none other than Zachary Gray as toddler Jesus. Lots of hilarious stories to be told already and we have only had one rehearsal, but that will have to wait for now I will try to sleep.
For those of you that are not aware Haven of Hope ministers to mother's that have suffered the loss of a child. And today I was scrolling through pictures of the children for our slide show and was overwhelmed with the unfairness of a need for such a retreat. I assure you every single one of these mom's would rather not need this retreat.
So I am sitting here shamelessly blogging at 1:00 am to ask you to join me in praying for these mom's this week. I know from experience that prayer makes all the difference.
Also please pray for Marsha, Daisy and myself as we prepare all that is needed to minister to these precious mom's. A ton of prep work needs to be done and we are almost there but this week will be hectic in finishing up all the details.
After the 10th I will fill you in on how God answered your prayers and share with you our next project, Easter Pageant at Central with none other than Zachary Gray as toddler Jesus. Lots of hilarious stories to be told already and we have only had one rehearsal, but that will have to wait for now I will try to sleep.
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