As many of you know we decided last year to become foster parents with the desire to foster to adopt if that was God's will. We started the process back in November 2010 and for me it has been a long difficult road, one I was not prepared for. While I have given my testimony many times over the years there are certain things that I have not felt lead to share except when God puts me in one on one relationships with other women to encourage them. Many of which all occurred before my relationship with Christ, some of my own bad choices, others I had no choice in and all of which brought shame to me. And once I understood that God, the creator of my soul, did in fact love and did in fact want a relationship with me wiped that slate clean. I had not dealt with that guilt and shame since I understood who Christ was and how much He loves me.
Until I had to write it all down on our paperwork to become licensed to foster/adopt. I realized after I had my life laid out on paper for people whom I did not know to read and decide if we would be good parents that I did not look good on paper. And in walked the enemy! I gave him the crack in the door he had been looking for for years. I have been a Christian for 18 years now so you would think that I would have seen this attack for what it was but I did not.
As we reached the final stages of our process I felt as though I had been judged my what was on paper and that I was not "good enough" to foster/adopt. I felt like the people who were looking at my paperwork were seeing all the bad in my life and making judgements based solely on that.
All the while God had a plan, a beautiful plan that I did not realize because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and for the first time this side of my relationship with Christ I was riddled with shame which in turn made me angry. I know in my heart that God covered my multitude of sin with the precious blood of Jesus but I was not feeling it.
As we were not so patiently waiting for our licensing process to be final some dear friends of ours got their first placements as foster parents. I have to be honest and say when she called me all excited I sat and hurt deeply thinking again what was wrong with me? Why did they not call me? Was I not good enough to be a foster parent? I know she heard it in my voice even though I tried to sound excited for her. I hung up the phone and cried myself to sleep. I really did want to be excited for her and her family but I was so caught up in my self pity I stole some of the joy from her and sad to say was not a good friend.
Just when I was about at rock bottom. I was sad and quickly moving into depression and quite honestly thought I was loosing it. That is when God stepped in....... I received an email from a friend whose child was friends with Joshua. She told me that her and her son had talked about Joshua and she just wanted to let me know that he was not forgotten. For those mom's out there reading this that have lost a child you know after 8 years what an incredible gift that was to me! She was afraid that she had upset me but just the opposite is true. God used her email to show me that just as he had written Joshua and Jennifer's story he was still writing mine. And just as He was still using their lives to impact others He was wanting to use my life for the same purpose. I just had to be faithful to follow his lead. It was just what I needed just when I needed it. It reminded me that I am a child of the King and that my creator loves me enough to want to use me in His beautiful story.
We went to our friends house the day they got their first placement and when we left there I knew that those children were exactly where they were suppose to be and that I had to be content where God had me even if that meant that we would not have any other children in our home.
Then came the call, we had no idea we would get because we were still waiting for the process to be finalized. We were asked my our case worker if we would consider taking a 2 month old with medical needs. The baby was still in NICU but would be released soon. Without hesitation Russell and I said yes.
Now the funny part of that story is when we first started the process I said I was not interested in fostering we just wanted to do straight adoption, no infants and no medical needs. I was selfish in my reasoning for all those and God showed me throughout the classes that I was really trying to take control of what He wanted for me. Of course I believe God has a sense of humor and gave us an infant to foster that has medical needs.
We were allowed to go up to the hospital to do feedings and bond before he came home. And the minute the nurse placed baby Isaiah in our arms I knew we were exactly where God wanted us to be. We feel in love with him even before we met him.
We were blessed enough to bring him home and while we do not know what the future holds for this little guy we know that we are blessed to be part of the story. And we will love him as our own for as long as God will allow us that honor. He is doing fabulous at home and big brother is incredibly protective of him and simply adores him.
We know that God has a plan for Isaiah 's life and we are excited that He chose us to be his parents for however long that may be.
Grays 2013
