Grays 2013

Grays 2013

Friday, May 30, 2014

Today my baby girl would be graduating from high school. It is hard to believe that she is not here even after all this time. As I have spent this past year watching her friends walk through their last year in high school it has been bitter sweet. Many of her friends parents are friends of mine. So while I am so excited for them I am so sad for me. 

I miss her and it is hard not think about what would have been. What would she look like? What would she be like as a young lady? What college would she be attending? So many whats and no answers.......

Jennifer Danielle Perez
When my grief was fresh and I lived daily in sheer agony because the wounds were so deep and people would say things like, "she will never have to suffer", "she is in a better place", or "she is protected from the evil of this world". While all of that is true it still does not soothe my wounded heart.  I miss her deeply! I want to hold her, smell her, and hear her voice. It is not sheer agony on a daily basis anymore and I am able to enjoy what God has blessed me with but my reality and the reality of every parent that has lost a child is it still hurts deeply. Yes even after 11 years, it hurts! 

But here is what I know to be true. God is sovereign! God is merciful! God is my comforter! God will not leave me! God is faithful! 

Without the truth before me I would not be able to bear the pain of the past. And I would miss out on so many incredible blessings. 

If you are a parent that has lost a child and are new to this journey hear me when I say, it is suppose to hurt this bad. You cannot see anything before you right now only what  you have lost. You do wake up every day and face fear, anxiety and anger. You do wonder how you are going to go on without your child. You do want to die so the pain will stop and you will see your child again. You do want to scream at every person you see that their family is in tact. You do spend every waking hour wondering how you are going to survive. Then the next day comes and you do it all over again.  Hear me when I say you are NORMAL!  You are not going crazy! You are a parent that has suffered great loss. NOTHING can prepare you for that. 

But also hear me say it will get easier. You may not be able to open your bible or even pray. But know that you have a Savior that is standing in the gap for you praying for you. 

And then there will be days like today that hit you like a lighting bolt and your heart is bleeding once again. But this time you see hope. Hope that tomorrow will be a little easier. Hope that God is not done writing  your story or your child's story. That's right even though your child is not here their story is still being written and you are a key component of that story! 

Today Jennifer was remembered her short life here on earth is still impacting people and I cannot tell you how much joy that brings to my heart.  See God is not done writing this story and he will write it with or without me. I personally want to be a part of Jennifer's story as it is used to change people and change the world. It has certainly changed me.

So in my pain I am honest, transparent and I don't wallow in it but I acknowledge the severity. Why? Because I love her so deeply that I cannot help but hurt and I love God so deeply that I cannot help but to crawl up in His lap and allow him to comfort me as he uses me and Jennifer to further his kingdom.  I cannot help another parent walking through this if I am not honest about my pain. If I approach you and you think I have it all together your wrong. I still depend on God to get me through every day.  

Today I am leaning heavily on Him as my heart longs to be with her again and as I ponder the "what would shave beens" of my reality.