Grays 2013

Grays 2013

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

REAL Parenting

Does anyone else feel inadequate as a parent? I mean really I can't be the only one right? I sit here in hopes that exposing my gross inadequacy will only give others of you out there permission to give yourself grace. If I am the only one then the light needs to be shed on that too and more therapy is needed. 

Today was one of those days when my sweet child that has sensory issues was just a bit unhappy about current changes in our schedule. Mainly that his older brother being home because school is out. He has been off the charts with aggression. I know as his mom that I need to intervene quickly so it does not escalate but lets be honest I was hungry (translated hangry) and just wanted to eat so I let it go too far. Then we both exploded. Not the best way to deal with a sensory meltdown by the way. 
It all ended with me and him sitting in his bed crying. Not my finest mommy moment. Oh and I forgot to mention all of them had been fighting ALL morning over really stupid stuff. So the perfect storm was created. It ended with me apologizing to my children. They are so use to this that they barely blink anymore. 

My husband bless his heart gets to hear all about as he walks in the door. To which he stands and in trying to be supportive just stares blankly at me as I cry and rant about how terrible of a mom I am.
surely feeling helpless and scared all at the same time. 

This parenting this is no joke.  I just hope that I am not the only one that is wondering how in the world I am going to raise these 4 boys without completely causing them to hate women because they have serious mommy issues. 

Today I am choosing to focus on grace. Just as I had to apologize to my kids I also had to apologize to the one who created them. And the same one that created them has extended grace by sending His son to die for me, a sinner. 

So mommy's raise your hand if you are frustrated, exhausted, impatient and downright feel like a failure and then look up! God loves you and there is grace extended to you! 

Friday, May 13, 2016

Hold on loosely

Holding on loosely is not something I do well, AT ALL. I have a tendency to try to hold things too tight at times. Its really easy to do and I suspect most of you do too. But today I attended the funeral of a dear friends brother. This friend got up in front of everyone and spoke the gospel with a clarity and passion I have not seen before. As he spoke about his brother and his parents experience in the hospital and the decisions they had to make it hit me. What have I been holing on too tight to? What have I been trying to control and not allow God to have? What illusion of control do I think I have? 
Its simple, everything. I have tried to carry everything by myself even though I am in a church that has a passion for community. I have kept to myself and believed the lies of the enemy. Lies like "nobody wants to hear your struggles", "you bring everyone down", "nobody really cares". 

I have not let myself be known. Why? I wrote this in my journal not long ago. "I am dumb to think that because I follow you [God] life is hard. I know that following you actually makes the hard easier. But you call us to do hard different, better. And sometimes I don't want to do hard right. I want to do it with my head down and in private. Hard is scary. I feel most times that Hard is my middle name. Don't people get tired of hearing just how hard my life is! That is how I feel even when I am giving glory to you. I am not good at putting on a smily face and saying yes things are hard but God is good and I feel like that us what people want from me. Not many really want to enter into those dark places with me. The place where there is brokenness, no answers just questions. The place where all you can do is survive. The place where fear lurks. The place where anger lies just beneath the surface. We are suppose to live transparently but how am I suppose to do that?"
Why do I want to do hard alone? Partly because I have been hurt, deeply by people I loved and trusted. DEEPLY! But mostly because I have built a wall. And if we were honest most of us have walls around the deep hurts, the deep struggles. What if we get hurt again? What is people as the struggle and the real you? 

I was told by two mothers today both of whom lost a child, one of buried her son today, that I know. That statement rocked me to the core. Yes I know, I know the pain of losing a child and I know the long journey on which they are embarking. I know because God walked me through that and continues to walk me through it 13 years later. But what do I know. I mean really know deep down in the core of who I am? 

I know that when you walk through something like this there is an intimacy  with Christ that is like no other. I know that you have a different perspective of heaven. I know the the Lord the rules the earth cares enough to bottle your tears. I know that even when you stand in the shadows He sees you and you are KNOWN. I know that He never meant for us to walk this alone. I know that there are so many hurting people out there, some who may be sitting right next to you in church, that need you to be real and need you to be willing to walk the hard stuff with them. But for that to happen we have to be willing to be known, even if that means getting hurt again. I know that the ultimate goal is to bring glory and honor to Him. 

I will be honest this is so hard for me. holding on tight to my feelings, my hurts, my family, the list can go on and on. My prayer tonight is that I can lay it out there. Shout out that yes! this past 3 years have been hell on earth. but I have survived, most days barely but my head is currently above water. 
I also know this.......if you hold those things too tightly then you cannot give glory to the King. 
So yes I proudly wear that badge that says YES I have lost a child, or YES I am a mother of special needs children, or YES I do mess up as a mom almost daily, or YES I am not great at this marriage stuff, and Yes I am BROKEN and an utter MESS!  I will wear those badges with honor because when I am able to admit those things and allow people to see my broken mess I allow them to see what Jesus has done through my broken mess. There are days that all I do is cry. Today was one of those days. My tears however where not for me. they were for the two precious mothers that unfortunately now know the pain I know. My tears were shed for them to honor them. Tears that come from a broken momma who chooses to honor Jesus in this big ugly mess we call life. 

So tonight I go to bed not knowing what tomorrow holds but holding on to the one that does. Because even if tomorrow holds more or even a new pain I will honor the one who knows me, ALL of me. 
And I will loosen my grip to the things I cannot control, I will be open handed and trust in Jesus.