Its simple, everything. I have tried to carry everything by myself even though I am in a church that has a passion for community. I have kept to myself and believed the lies of the enemy. Lies like "nobody wants to hear your struggles", "you bring everyone down", "nobody really cares".
I have not let myself be known. Why? I wrote this in my journal not long ago. "I am dumb to think that because I follow you [God] life is hard. I know that following you actually makes the hard easier. But you call us to do hard different, better. And sometimes I don't want to do hard right. I want to do it with my head down and in private. Hard is scary. I feel most times that Hard is my middle name. Don't people get tired of hearing just how hard my life is! That is how I feel even when I am giving glory to you. I am not good at putting on a smily face and saying yes things are hard but God is good and I feel like that us what people want from me. Not many really want to enter into those dark places with me. The place where there is brokenness, no answers just questions. The place where all you can do is survive. The place where fear lurks. The place where anger lies just beneath the surface. We are suppose to live transparently but how am I suppose to do that?"
Why do I want to do hard alone? Partly because I have been hurt, deeply by people I loved and trusted. DEEPLY! But mostly because I have built a wall. And if we were honest most of us have walls around the deep hurts, the deep struggles. What if we get hurt again? What is people as the struggle and the real you?
I was told by two mothers today both of whom lost a child, one of buried her son today, that I know. That statement rocked me to the core. Yes I know, I know the pain of losing a child and I know the long journey on which they are embarking. I know because God walked me through that and continues to walk me through it 13 years later. But what do I know. I mean really know deep down in the core of who I am?
I know that when you walk through something like this there is an intimacy with Christ that is like no other. I know that you have a different perspective of heaven. I know the the Lord the rules the earth cares enough to bottle your tears. I know that even when you stand in the shadows He sees you and you are KNOWN. I know that He never meant for us to walk this alone. I know that there are so many hurting people out there, some who may be sitting right next to you in church, that need you to be real and need you to be willing to walk the hard stuff with them. But for that to happen we have to be willing to be known, even if that means getting hurt again. I know that the ultimate goal is to bring glory and honor to Him.
I will be honest this is so hard for me. holding on tight to my feelings, my hurts, my family, the list can go on and on. My prayer tonight is that I can lay it out there. Shout out that yes! this past 3 years have been hell on earth. but I have survived, most days barely but my head is currently above water.
I also know this.......if you hold those things too tightly then you cannot give glory to the King.
So yes I proudly wear that badge that says YES I have lost a child, or YES I am a mother of special needs children, or YES I do mess up as a mom almost daily, or YES I am not great at this marriage stuff, and Yes I am BROKEN and an utter MESS! I will wear those badges with honor because when I am able to admit those things and allow people to see my broken mess I allow them to see what Jesus has done through my broken mess. There are days that all I do is cry. Today was one of those days. My tears however where not for me. they were for the two precious mothers that unfortunately now know the pain I know. My tears were shed for them to honor them. Tears that come from a broken momma who chooses to honor Jesus in this big ugly mess we call life.
So tonight I go to bed not knowing what tomorrow holds but holding on to the one that does. Because even if tomorrow holds more or even a new pain I will honor the one who knows me, ALL of me.
And I will loosen my grip to the things I cannot control, I will be open handed and trust in Jesus.