Twenty years.......it's really hard to believe it has been that long since I first laid eyes on my first born. It is just as hard to believe that it has been 11 years since I last laid eyes on him. Though the pain of loosing him has softened it is still there. Still demands my attention. Continues to make me be still and acknowledge it.
I wonder what he would look like as a young adult. Would he be in college or working towards his dream of doing mission work. Or would he have gone the other way? Would he be living a life outside of God's will. Would he have a girlfriend? There are and never will be answers to those questions.
As I am still today and acknowledging the pain that is always just below the surface I am also grateful.
Grateful first of all that I had the privilege of being his mother. Secondly for all he taught me in his short time on earth. And lastly that I will never know what his life here on earth would have been like but I do know that my precious son is living in glory with the only one who could love him more that I do.
So I share my children almost daily. Not that you would feel sorry for me but so that you will see the redeeming love of a faithful God. Because even when your world is stripped away from you and you can see nothing but the darkness in front of you there is a God who is holding the light in that darkness. A God who loves you just as you are.
A God who wants to meet you where you.
A God that does not need you to "clean up" before coming to him.
A God who placed his son on the cross to die for you sins, and for mine.
You see I am not an extraordinary person with superhuman powers. I am just like you.......I am a sinner who can confidently crawl up in my Saviors lap and allow him to comfort me in my darkest moments. Knowing God has not taken my pain away but it certainly has made it easier to bare.