Hard days

All too often I have people ask me if I did not want a girl. They see my four boys three of whom are adopted and assume I had something against bringing a girl into the family. I will say they are well meaning people but they do not know the pain that question causes me, simply because they do not know my history. They don't know that I would give anything to be celebrating Jennifer's 22nd birthday with her today. They do not know that even after almost fifteen years of living without her and her brother the deep pain is still there. They do not know...... and that in itself hurts.  My life has gone on, I have met new people who did not know me as Josh and Jenn's mom.  Like every parent I want people to know ALL my children. 

My biggest fear is that people would forget, that I would forget.  Of course the later was utterly ridiculous and I know that now because there still is not a day that goes by that I do not miss them. Not a day goes by that I do not think about them.

It turns out that the fear of others not remembering is also ridiculous!  I am so incredibly blessed that so many sweet friends remember. A few weeks ago I received two messages on the same day telling me they were thinking about my kids! What? Random? No I don't think so. I think God knew exactly what I needed and gave it to me. Today several friends have called, texted, and posted about my sweet daughter who they have not forgotten even if they never met her this side of heaven. 

Random? No, I think not! I think God knew exactly what I needed and has provided. I think God wants me to know He has not forgotten either. He is still sovereign! He is still on the throne and He still loves me. 

So even though there is a deep pain in my chest today and  I have a deep need to cry, I will rejoice first that I was able to be her mom. That I was able to hold her, rock her, laugh with her, cry with her, climb trees with her, and yes even argue with her. I sure miss that girl and it is hard for me to imagine her as a 22 year old. But I KNOW that I will see her again and that is what gets me through to the next day. And the knowledge that God is in control.