Grays 2013

Grays 2013

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Reflections

As I looked at my reflection in the mirror the past few months I have not liked what I have seen looking back at me. What I saw was a mother with battle scars that chose to stand behind the scars and be a victim of my circumstances. A mother who was battle weary and well quite frankly angry. Angry that my life has been anything but easy. Angry that my child is getting sicker and there is nothing I can do about it. Angry that he is sick in the first place. Angry that  I cannot change things for him regarding his past. Angry that a sweet innocent 8 year old boy carries around so much hurt and anxiety. Angry that God would ask me to walk a path yet again  that is hard and painful. Angry at my husband for not reacting the same way. Angry at well everyone but mostly myself.  Notice how I came right back to me?? As I reflected the past few weeks with God that is what he revealed to me. I am selfish in my thoughts and in my actions.

 I remember talking to a dad who had lost both of his children in a car accident and he asked me if the closeness to God would go away after time. My response was only if you let it.  That is where I have been the past few months. So busy with doctors appointments and worry that I had not stopped to talk to God. Or let me be really honest had not wanted to talk to God.  The result was I put all the focus on me and had a great big old pity party!

So what do I do with that? Any moms out there know it would be really easy to let the guilt of that steal my joy. But Romans 8:1 says "there is no condemnation in those who are in Christ".  So I put on my big girl panties and look outside myself.

Yes my life has been hard but it has been so amazing as well. I am so blessed to be Josh and Jennifer's mother.  I will never regret the time I was given with them. I will continue to share them with others. I do miss them everyday and it is only a pain another mother who has a child in heaven can understand and I will not ever get over it or be done grieving them this side of heaven. I have four amazing boys. Parenting children with special needs is lonely so I am thankful that God gave me an incredible husband who has held me many nights as I cried myself to sleep. Listening even if he did not understand my rants and worries.

This month my focus in on making memories and serving my family. I am blessed to have today. So I will camp right here in today, living a life of no regrets and not taking today for granted.

2 comments:

  1. Susan, I cannot even begin to explain how much I needed this today. Yesterday was a "I don't want to be a special needs mom" kinda day and my sour attitude greatly affected my whole family. God has worked on my heart and broken my selfish pity party. I thankful for your friendship and for a friend who gets it, from several different angels.

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  2. Only if you let it. Such truth in those words!

    I remember that closeness... So many lessons, so much grace, saturated by God's love and mercy...

    And now I am in the season of joy and season of weary. I have noticed that I have stepped away a bit from other grieving moms. I'm tired of all the hurt in this world... And tired of the own hurt in my heart and the memories that flash back unexpectedly... Why is it the hard memories of sorrow instead of dreams of my sweet Christian? As I sit here and think about what to write, I just hear "me me me"... I'm glad God loves me in spite of my selfishness. I'm glad He doesn't give up on me when I take my eyes off of Him and put them squarely on me.

    Praying for you, dear Susan. Praying for Russell and your boys, especially Erick. Oh my, when I see his cute grin it automatically makes me think of Noah at his age! It makes me smile and hurt all at the same time for all he is going through. I'm glad those precious guys have you for their mama! (((hugs)))

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