As I looked at my reflection in the mirror the past few months I have not liked what I have seen looking back at me. What I saw was a mother with battle scars that chose to stand behind the scars and be a victim of my circumstances. A mother who was battle weary and well quite frankly angry. Angry that my life has been anything but easy. Angry that my child is getting sicker and there is nothing I can do about it. Angry that he is sick in the first place. Angry that I cannot change things for him regarding his past. Angry that a sweet innocent 8 year old boy carries around so much hurt and anxiety. Angry that God would ask me to walk a path yet again that is hard and painful. Angry at my husband for not reacting the same way. Angry at well everyone but mostly myself. Notice how I came right back to me?? As I reflected the past few weeks with God that is what he revealed to me. I am selfish in my thoughts and in my actions.
I remember talking to a dad who had lost both of his children in a car accident and he asked me if the closeness to God would go away after time. My response was only if you let it. That is where I have been the past few months. So busy with doctors appointments and worry that I had not stopped to talk to God. Or let me be really honest had not wanted to talk to God. The result was I put all the focus on me and had a great big old pity party!
So what do I do with that? Any moms out there know it would be really easy to let the guilt of that steal my joy. But Romans 8:1 says "there is no condemnation in those who are in Christ". So I put on my big girl panties and look outside myself.
Yes my life has been hard but it has been so amazing as well. I am so blessed to be Josh and Jennifer's mother. I will never regret the time I was given with them. I will continue to share them with others. I do miss them everyday and it is only a pain another mother who has a child in heaven can understand and I will not ever get over it or be done grieving them this side of heaven. I have four amazing boys. Parenting children with special needs is lonely so I am thankful that God gave me an incredible husband who has held me many nights as I cried myself to sleep. Listening even if he did not understand my rants and worries.
This month my focus in on making memories and serving my family. I am blessed to have today. So I will camp right here in today, living a life of no regrets and not taking today for granted.