There have been some very pivotal points in my life where God has brought me to a place of total surrender. This is one of those points. I have struggled this past four weeks with many questions. It seems the more we experience in life the more questions we have.
This past few weeks as I questioned why and struggled to make sense out of something so senseless anger trickled in and in my anger I gave the enemy a stronghold. My anger manifested in a poor attitude and a short temper with my family. I really blew it a few times with my two year old and I had thoughts like, "well not wonder God keeps taking all your children you are a horrible mom and you do not deserve to have children." Now you have to admit that in a way when you are trying to make sense of things we do not and cannot understand that seems like an answer that makes sense to our human minds. Our sin causes the consequences in our life, after all is that not what we teach our children?
Well this is what God revealed to me as I was speaking to a woman that voiced a statement much like mine. As she said that is must have been something she did that caused God to take her loved one I realized how wrong that thinking was.
You see first of all we do not serve a vindictive God. We do serve a God that gave His only son to die on the cross for our sin. Jesus' blood covered our sin. So what that means is if we yell at our children and sin and our anger God does not in turn take them from us. If that was the case then there would be far more families without children. Don't get me wrong I do believe that there are consequences to our deliberate disobedience but it is not out of vengeance but out of love.
Once I was released of the insane thoughts of my mind I was able to take a step back and focus on who God is and has been in my life. He is my Savior, my comforter, my prince of peace, the Great I Am, the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, my deliverer, my redeemer......
Once I focus on those characteristics of God then I am able to surrender to His will for my life. My question can then go from why to what. What am I suppose to do with this? How am I to be used in this?
COMPLETE SURRENDER! knowing that I am loved by the King and while I do not have any answers as to why I have had to loose 3 of my 4 children but I do know that God does not waste anything.