Not for the faint of heart

If  you do not like complete honestly and transparency then you should leave this blog now.
Wow that opening  statement will not sell a lot of books! But my life is not full of fluff and since I have preached how important transparancey is in serving the body of Christ I have not choice but to be transparent!
This week has been hard. Those of you that know me know that because of the loss on my two precious children has left me with a burden of fighting to wait to for the next bad thing to happen. And just when I am sure I have an handle on things then lo and behold the next bad thing happens.
And within that I struggle with being transparent because I am so afraid that people will think OH what now! I feel like I am such a downer! And as I shared this with a friend this week after yet another devastating blow I was reminded of who I am. I am a child of the risen KING! Yes bad things are going to happen to good people! And it will shake your faith to the core! But that does not change who Jesus is!
I write this through a fountain of tears. Those of you that know me know my kids are my world. Having lost 4 already I am especially protective of the ones I am blessed to parent here on earth. But in that I also know that I have no control over what happens to them an that drives me crazy. Thankfully not crazy enough to be the helicopter mom I want to be and that is only because the one that is within me is greater than me.
I listened to a sermon today and it talked about how we are not to be apathetic and rely on what Christ has done in the past. I guess if I had to be honest I would tell you that is where I was. God had been so ever present in my loss of Joshua and Jennifer I was prideful enough to believe that it would sustain me through whatever I faced in the future. And that is where I stayed. Holding on to the past. Can I tell you that holding on to the past and not investing in the future is stupid! This is what I am finding out. I thought I was covered. you know as a mom of 4 you get busy. You rely on what you read in the past. Verses you memorized but you get apathetic. Knowing who the King of Kings is but really just going through the motions. Relying on the past to sustain you even though you know it is not the same lesson he is trying to teach you. I am not saying that God makes things happen just to teach you a lesson but He does use the bad things that happen in an imperfect world to shape you to look more like him.
So why such a heavy topic for my blog? Well where to start? Two nights ago my 6 yr old Zachary had a seizure in his sleep. Out of nowhere! He has never had a seizure before. He may never have another one. But as a nurse I know too much and I want every test known to man that can rule out everything that is fatal! Period! Don't care the cost just want it done! If it is just a seizure not related to a tumor or any kind of brain disease then great! I can deal with that but I need to know. And I get to be like everyone else and be on the waiting side of things. And it is not fun! SO we wait for an appointment. Looks like it may be next Tuesday in the meantime I have yelled at my husband and raged in anger against something I have no control over. Poor Russell!
In the meantime I have a child whose health is declining. We knew this would happen even before he came to live with us and we were willing to take this on. But we have come to love this child with all of our heart (and it has not been an easy road) and watching his health decline has rocked us to the core. It is one thing to know it will happen and a total other thing to see it happen to your child. We head to Texas Children's tomorrow to visit with his transplant doctors. I do not know how I feel about being this close to be listed on the transplant list. On one hand I am excited that I could see my son running and playing without getting tired and on the other hand worried that once again I will walk out of the hospital with empty arms. And what does that mean in terms of ministering to his birth mom? So a many unanswered questions!
So tonight I pray that the King of Kings will hold me tight and help me not fear tomorrow. Sometimes that is all I have left in me and today is one of those days!