That is all we are really promised is today right? That obviously does not mean we just live today and not plan for tomorrow but it does mean that we are to hold on to those plans loosely because they may not be God's plan.
When I lost Joshua and Jennifer I realized there was no other place I wanted to be than in God's will. Even if that meant there was a lot of pain there. That was easy to say when I did not have anything else to hold on to. Once I allowed myself to love again at great risk of losing again then oh so slightly I let myself hold tight to the people in my life trying to control everything that is not in my control. And I lost focus on what it meant to be in God's will. Oh to look at my life on the outside you would probably think that I had it all together and completely relied on God. Well that is not the case I am sad to say.
As we walked through the past few weeks I have been angry, completely angry and God knew it. I told him very bluntly because that is how I am with God. I know I did not even have to tell him because he already knew and he is the only one that knows me completely and still loves me anyway.
God was and is big enough to handle everything I bring to him and I am so grateful that as I bring all my junk to him he is faithful to not let me stay there. He is also the only one that will tell me to stop throwing a temper tantrum and get up and look for the good in each situation and stop letting fear rule my life. God will only let me stay wrapped up in my anger and self pity for so long. He speaks to me in so many different ways. Through a friend that is not a stranger to suffering sending me a song that helps her in her tough times. Kutless- Even if the healing doesn't come. Or through a sermon on suffering (I wrestled with God in this one). Austin Stone, Gospel centered suffering It was a series of these things that brought me back to the place of wanting to serve God especially in my suffering. Because how we serve him in our suffering matters. It matters to the Kingdom! People need to see that it is not perfect people living in a perfect word but we are Redeemed, Rescued, and a Restored people living in an imperfect world because the Savior loves us. There will be suffering! If you have not encountered that I am sorry to inform you that you will.
So I woke up on Tuesday with a different perspective and a calm spirit. And off to the new Neurologist we went. This one specializes in epilepsy. He was confused as to why the Neurologist wanted Zach on medications and why he was such an alarmist. He said the activity he saw on the EEG indicated that he was at risk for seizures but not having seizures. Two very different things. So he gave us a choice to keep him on the meds or take him off. We opted to take him off and we will watch him. We will proceed with the MRI but he feels strongly that he will not find anything. This was great news and it felt more manageable. I will say that my gut a nurse had a hard time swallowing the first Neurologist findings and I was very hesitant to start Zach on medication but I trusted this doctor and he really made it sound as it was life threatening. So I second guessed myself and did what the doctor said afraid to make the wrong decision that could potentially be fatal for my child.
Then as if that was not enough of a blessing Erick came home that very day and actually told me in great detail about his day and a sad moment he had in Science when someone asked about his oxygen. This conversation was complete with words that were not prompted and completely and freely spoken. To those of you that have walked this journey with us with Erick know that his coping mechanism is to shut down. This was a hug break through!!!
So what does Gospel centered suffering look like? For me it is lifting my head above the waves in the storm and seeking God in the victories of today. See if I had still been angry and shut off then I would not have been a safe place for Erick to come to that day and I would have missed out on the blessing of my son confiding in me for the first time.
Does all this mean that the storm does not rage all around us as we try to keep our head above the waves? No it means in the midst of the storm we know and trust the one who hold the life raft. And sometimes that takes total trust in the only one who is completely trustworthy.